Okay, so she’s said the word…PREGNANT! It always happens to the other guy...but you never thought it would happen to you. Maybe you took precautions; maybe you got caught up in the “heat of the moment.” Whatever the circumstances…here you are. So what now?
If you’ve got questions like these…We’ve got answers! We can help you think things through.
- How can I know if this baby is mine?
- What does she expect from me?
- Is it normal to feel like I DO & I DON'T want a baby, all at the same time?
- Should we tell our parents?
- Can I finish school AND be a dad?
- What about abortion? Adoption?
- What's this going to cost?
- What are my legal responsibilities?
Here's some quick and simple advice:
- STAY CALM: You both need time to process this news and what it means for both of you and your baby’s futures.
- LISTEN: She needs to talk about it, too. This is a big deal that involves both of you and a baby.
- TALK ABOUT IT: You both have feelings about this, so discuss them maturely.
- EXPRESS YOURSELF HONESTLY: It’s normal to have feelings of anger, frustration, fear and a sense of having lost control. Acting out those feelings can complicate matters, so be sure to talk them out with someone you trust.
- TALK TO OTHERS TOGETHER: Consider other important people to talk with, for instance, your parents and/or others close to you who have your best interest at heart. Hiding the news from people who can genuinely help you only increases stress.
- FIND A SOLUTION: Get the facts on all pregnancy options (abortion, adoption, parenting) and consider which option is best for you…for her…for the baby. Seek wise counsel so you can make an informed decision that everyone can live with.
- DON'T OVER REACT: There are a lot of different things in play here. For instance, the possibility of an early miscarriage is extremely high in very early pregnancies. Instead, concentrate on the “DO’s” and then RESPOND calmly.
- DON'T PRESSURE: Overbearing demands and pressure will shut down communication and build a wall of defense between you and her. She may see your demands as self-centered, so remember she has feelings and the consequences to her need to be considered, too. You’ll come to a better solution when you work through this as a team.
- DON'T ASSUME: If she hasn’t said it, then don’t assume to know what she’s thinking. Ask her good questions about what she wants and expects. Then, really listen and hear what she’s saying. Most likely, she’s scared and needs your positive support.
- DON'T BAIL: You can handle this! And we can help you navigate this successfully. Confronting the issue head-on is honorable, so don’t run. Running only complicates matters and can cause deep hurt and regret.
MEN are available to help counsel and coach you through this unexpected situation.
Contact us for your FREE and confidential appointment:
In the United States, the Supreme Court has granted women the right to make decisions regarding her reproductive choices. When it comes to pregnancy, this means she has the sole decision-making authority to carry or abort the pregnancy she’s carrying.
Things to consider
Okay, so she said it. “I'm Pregnant!” Here are a few things you need to ask yourself first…
(Assuming you're the biological father)
- How do I really feel about the possibility of being a father?
- How would I feel if she:
- Aborts my baby?
- Has my baby when I'm not ready to be a dad?
- How do I really feel about HER?
- Is she "the one?"
- Just a friend?
- A one-night-stand?
How's the Relationship?
If she is pregnant, recognize that there are two relationships you’re dealing with…
1) the relationship you have with HER now and 2) the new relationship that you have with your growing child. Your relationship with your child is not dependent on your relationship with your child’s mother.
Sometimes, relationships just don’t work out. If you’ve come to the conclusion that this woman is not the one you want to make a long term commitment to, you still have a legal right to be a father to your child and build a strong, loving relationship with your son or daughter.
If on the other hand she is “the one” for you, it might be a perfect time explore your (and her) feelings about marriage.
So here are your Choices
Whether your preference is…to have your child…or maybe, not now…what you think matters. Sharing your thoughts with her can ultimately make a difference in her decision to carry or abort.
1. Suggest abortion...
Abortion is a legal option. However, abortion is a medical procedure and can put your girlfriend/wife at risk of physical harm. It is best to understand what abortion is, its risks and what a woman will physically experience when undergoing an abortion procedure. Both men and women can experience negative emotional and spiritual feelings after an abortion experience. These feelings can surface right away or arise many years down the road. Sometimes abortion can interfere with the development and intimacy of your relationship. Once the abortion is complete, there’s no reversing it. So, it’s best to gather as much information before making a final decision. We have male and female consultants who can speak with you individually or as a couple about your concerns. Choosing abortion may seem like the easiest, quickest solution, but for some men (and women) it can become one of the hardest roads to walk afterward.
2. Leave the decision up to her...
“I’ll support whatever decision you make.” That may sound like an admirable statement, but the truth is, most women think that’s just a COP-OUT. Most likely, what she needs to hear is how you really feel about this baby, about her, about raising your child together (whether that’s with or without marriage). Maybe what you have to say isn’t what she wants to hear, but in order to arrive at the best solution you need to be truthful. You should be open and honest about your concerns, but remember, she didn’t get pregnant on her own. It takes two to make a baby and all 3 of you are important. We have male and female care-counselors available to speak with you individually or as a couple so you can gather the information you need to make an informed decision together.
3. Be a dad...Parenting with or without your girlfriend/wife...
Okay, let’s be real…raising a child is hard work. You will be challenged physically, emotionally, financially and a thousand other ways like you have never known, but the joys of fatherhood are incredible! A son or daughter will need you for their whole life. S/he will look up to you; need your guidance, approval, protection and support. Does that feel overwhelming? Are you worried about what kind of father you’ll be? Or, are you excited about the possibilities? You’re not alone; strong men will rise to a good challenge. Comedian, Bill Cosby said, “Nothing I’ve ever done has given me more joys and reward than being a father to my children.” So, think about it.
4. Consider creating an adoption plan...
Adoption is a heroic decision. Both men and women display a maturity and selfless courage when they’re able to put the interest and welfare of their child above their own. Certain cultures or the way people are brought up might consider adoption to be a form of “abandonment.” However, there's a positive way to think about adoption, too. Creating an adoption plan is a loving way to provide what’s best for your child’s future when you’re not able or circumstances prevent parenting at this time. Creating an adoption plan is an opportunity to give your child a healthy, loving, financially stable home with adoptive parents who are eager to love and care for your child. There are a variety of adoption plans that allow you to pick and choose your child’s adoptive family. We can provide information on adoption agencies that will answer all your specific questions about adoption and the law.
5. Get OUT...
You may feel like you need to GET OUT….out of the relationship or out of town. Whatever! But, running away or ignoring the situation will only complicate the issue. Bouncing may seem like the quickest, easiest solution to your problem, but it has a way of catching up with you. Those who “run” find they can never run fast enough, or far enough to escape their conscience.
Unintended pregnancies are life altering experiences for both men and women, no matter the outcome. Alpha Omega Care Center provides a safe, non-judgmental place to work through the questions and concerns that are important to men involved in the pregnancy. Won't you call us for an appointment at (517) 437-7020